I Think I Had a Miscarriage

Andrew knocked me up in Europe. He could feel it. I could feel it. The Universe felt it. I got an unusual visit from my spirit Guide and was wondering why they were just chillin in the room with me. I have never been pregnant in my life. I had never tried to be pregnant in my life. Up until about 3 years ago, I had a certified fear of sex and the idea of creating a baby really freaked me OUT. It’s like a whole new world up in these streets.

I got over my irrational fear of the first thing. But the second thing was still daunting. Having a baby for me means something different than it means to my friends. I see my friends having adorable little kiddos and raising them here in the City. They are super women. They are balancing Broadway and the concrete jungle with raising a little one. I truly don’t know how they do it. For me, I’m not on a mission to find out.

If I'm gonna grow a BABY, Imma need my car. Give me my space. I’m ready to park in the front and go to Trader Joe’s deep in the burbs. New York City is my favorite place in the whole world. IN THE WORLD. Do I want to be pregnant here?

HELL NO.

No -- times a million. No -- times a trillion. New York is hard enough with rats falling from the ceiling and stuff. I am not on a mission to be pregnant here.

With that said, I felt pregnant. I could FEEL it. I could see it in the mirror. Although it was so early that a test couldn’t even detect it. I took a few. They all said NEGATIVE. Aside from textbook symptoms like nausea, and sleeping for HOURS in the middle of the day, headaches and back aches—I could feel it. I knew I wasn’t alone. Something was in there.

I knew I was testing before it could be detected, but knowing it was going to say Negative kept me calm for a few more days. When the window came for me to actually find out…I hid all the tests. I put them away. I felt like—OKAY. Once we know, we can’t UN-KNOW. Once we see it, we cannot UNSEE IT. Once that timeline is launched, we step into the vortex. I’ve already decided that if/when I’m pregnant, my third trimester will be in sunny California. NOT NEW YORK. Period.

I meditated. I prayed a LOT. I found joy in daydreaming about fun ways I could announce this new chapter, like during my solo show in NYC on October 14th. It would be exactly three months if I were pregnant at that time...

The window began when if I tested, I would know the truth. I didn’t test. I refused. My sweet husband who is SO excited and ready to be a dad watched me be a crazy person and gently said, “Honey, maybe it’s time to take a test…” I wouldn’t do it. I was so scared.

Scared of what? I don’t know! The unknown I guess? The reality that everything is going to change and quickly once it begins. Once that thing starts growing it’s going to HAVE to come out at some point and I have a low pain tolerance and I’m afraid of blood, what do I tell my agents, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I have a million reasons why I should wait until I’m 40 for this next chapter.

Still I refused. I will say that although I refused to test, I did actively stop eating the cold deli meat, the sushi, the this the that, no alcohol, the whole shebang. Even though I wasn’t ready to find out, I still want my imaginary baby to be as healthy as possible.

When it was time for my period….

Nothin.

The next day…nothin.

The next day…nothin…

I start doing the math… my very best friend’s wedding is this far away. Which means that if I’m pregnant right now, I’ll be about to pop during her bachelorette. Which means I can’t drink but I CAN be the designated driver…But will I fit behind the wheel? Will I be able to do everything for her and be her superstar MOH like she was for me??? Believe it or not, out of all the things, this was one of my greatest concerns.

The next day…nothin…

The next day…still NOTHING.

Six days had past. I saw a drop of blood. And the—BAM!!!!—I saw A LOT of blood. I didn’t know what to do. I was safe in the privacy of my home yet still just frozen. Andrew was slightly panicked, running to get towels but also asking, “Do you want me to carry you to the bathroom?!” I said, no no. I think I’m okay? Nothing hurts. My legs still work. I’m okay honey! I just started my period! (although I knew this was not normal and extremely unusual..)

I went to the bathroom. I finally decided to take a test. Why? Because I just started my cycle. I KNEW it was going to say negative. I had no doubt in my mind now! I had one lonely test left and a lot of confidence of what it would say.

I peed on the stick.

And there in my hands, for the first time…I saw two very faint lines.

I blinked 25 times and squinted to make sure I was seeing it correctly. I set the test down. I sat there sitting up straight, pigeon-toed with just a t-shirt on and my hands on my thighs. Thinking. I picked the test back up. It still had two lines. My hand covered my wide open mouth as my eyeballs scanned the ceiling as if it were reading a book. I was so confused yet amused, that I started laughing. Andrew calls out, “Everything okay in there?”

I thought for 2 whole seconds...should I tell him? or should I keep it a secret and tell him later. Being that I had no idea what the heck was going on with my body, I decided to tell him.

“Andrew! This test says positive!”

What!?

[me to God] “God, for real? Why you keepin me on my toes like this? Lol!”

Andrew and I were SO confused. Neither of us had been in a situation like this. It was like Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee trying to figure out what it all means. We had no idea. We both got dressed and “ran errands” separately. Later at dinner, we both pulled out a bag of brand new tests. Neither of us wanted to panic the other but both of us were on HIGH ALERT. THE HIGHEST ALERT.

You know that curiosity killed the cat thing? Yeah, I found myself AT THE RESTAURANT peeing on a new stick. Got the expensive tests because I thought it would be more accurate. I COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG. It was so confusing. We left the restaurant and I said, “Babe, look at this.”

He looks at it with his head cocked to the left.

Then we both look at it with our heads cocked to the right.

This freaking test had two windows for the results. One window had a vertical line. The other window had a horizontal line. Like Viola Davis in The Help, I said out loud, “We is smart, right?”

He said, “I think so!”

I said, “I don’t know what this result is trying to say. He said, “I don’t know either.”

I said, “ARE WE DUMB?” He said, “I don’t THINK so!”

We are standing on the corner of 181st and Riverside overlooking the GWB and the sunset. Holding this pregnancy test up like we are trying to discover a counterfeit hundred dollar bill. He said, “I got it! I’ll check tik tok!”

Andrew found the most hilarious tik tok video of our exact test with the exact results with this girl our age saying, “CLEAR BLUE! Y’ALL NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! WHAT DOES THIS RESULT EVEN MEAN!?” Andrew and I were laughing so hard. The comments were things like “I had that result and it turned out I wasn’t pregnant.” Someone else chimed in with, “That’s what my test looked like too and I was 8 weeks pregnant!”

“OH MY GAWD. Babe I’m STRESSED,” I said. We laughed all the way on our walk home.

The next day, I peed on a lot of tests. So many. Sometimes two tests at a time. They all said negative. I didn’t think too much of it until I told two close friends with kids of their own. Both of them on their own were hesitant to say what they were thinking, but eventually getting around to what they feared, voicing that it sounded like a miscarriage. I don’t think I would have ever considered that possibility in a million years. I was ready to chalk it up to me being wrong the whole time about there being a baby in there, and that my period just came late. It didn’t hurt. There was no time to become emotionally attached. But I have to be honest and say in thinking about it afterward, I would have been happy with a positive result. I began to blame myself. Was there anything I could have done differently to not have had that happen? I’m not sure.

My friends tell me that it’s not my fault. That it is so common. That it happens all the time. But it doesn’t happen all the time to me…it was the first time I had ever experienced anything like this. And I wonder, how many women go through something like this and feel like they have to go through it alone? Maybe wondering if it’s their fault too….I’m not sure. But I know we aren’t alone. And since I’m apparently embarking on a new journey full throttle pretty soon, I would like to be in the know. I would like to have a community of women around me who talk about the unspeakable. I want to know! If crazy things are happening every day but no one talks about it, then everyone individually has to go through the most isolating yet eternally relatable events.

This might not be what you’re supposed to do, talking about potential miscarriages but I think life should be shared. And if even just one person sees this and feels less alone, then that’s what matters to me!

In considering the possibility that I had a miscarriage, I realize that I DO want to be a mom. And that yes, I am ready. I’m excited to report back one day with good news on the horizon.